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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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6:06 pm - † Last Posting Here †
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To those that missed it, I'm no longer going to be in this journal.
My new LJ residence is ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) xy_zero
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| Monday, March 28th, 2005
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10:05 pm - † And I Need to be Redeemed †
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It's weird how I get into these moods. For all I know nothing caused it...and I don't think its even so bad. Its true apathy...sucks, I suppose, that it feels so foreign and down, but at the same time its refreshing...and then depressing. Its all I've ever wanted, ne?
I want to keep it. This 'meh' sort of outlook on life...this more, grown up way. I'm not sure if anyone else would appreciate it...because this is the sort of grown up that doesn't want to screw around, play flirt, or make any silly noises. I like it though...I don't think I'm cut out for my childish moods. Most of the time I come away saddened, angry at myself for being obnoxious and annoying and cursing myself for feeling like I want new friends, for drawing ever closer to people I normally want to pull away from.
But now? Now I just...don't care. I feel free at last; like I don't have to cut my ties to feel free, and like actually talking and keeping in touch with people is all right. I actually feel like I want to speak with someone right now, odd as it seems.
I just feel so different right now...for once? I feel happy.
Yes, I've felt happiness before...but it was always clouded by thoughts of imperfections, of worries, of just feeling slap-happy like a child which only brought on misery and suchlike, with the way I thought. But I feel truly peaceful right now...truly content, like I'm finding a balance I've spent my whole life searching for. Its a wonderful feeling...
Although right this second I feel like I'm on a see-saw...tilting back and forth between this feeling and the childishness of before. But I still feel slightly peaceful...because even though I'm rocking I've found a very special sort of spot and I feel, that if I try hard enough, if I find myself down on the ground, or up in the air again, something will come along and give me this balance.
I just feel happy I've found it...you know? Its a strange feeling but one I know I can come to, not love, but appreciate.
And right now its perfect...because I honestly, truly don't care what anyone thinks. I don't want to be silly...I'm sorry if that's something you like about me but I have my own ideas about who I am. The silliness, the play flirting...I still like my perverted senses, but I like to be more 'adult' about the whole ordeal.
And right now I don't...I don't hate myself.
I can't ever, remember a time when I haven't hated myself for anything, anything at all. Every second of every day I think of what I just said, the last thing I did, conversations of years and years past, still berating myself for being so stupid and kiddish and prideful and envious and lazy and boring. Not hating myself for have wanting to make new ties, and strengthen old ones, feeling like a lousy hypocrite. Even when I'm feeling down, refraining from speaking to anyone about it because I'm too being being so firm, scolding myself because I've looked back and feel like I tell people only because I want the pity, that I'm only fooling myself when I tell myself "no, that isn't true at all."
And after Tiffany's party...I don't feel like the child. I don't feel depressed, like I normally do after hanging out with friends; I don't feel like the outcast or the little kid or the person that just tries to hard to be "one of them" when I can't even tell myself what it is I want to be.
I've always...always felt depressed right after hanging out with friends. So short of monthly visits, or birthdays, I've never really appreciated it much. I've had fun, but afterwards was always the roughest point in my life because no matter what I was around some strangers, and I felt like I didn't fit in, and like I was just an inferior that people wanted to tag along because they felt sorry for.
Kitty's parties...bunch of anime club people I don't know too well, but I always acted so buddy-buddy with. Feeling like a moronic wannabe by the end of the night.
Natasha's...bunch of Sosca kids, choir kids, her family, people I didn't know and didn't fit with. Outcast feeling.
Tiffany's or KC's |have I been to a Jackie 'party' yet? I don't believe so...|...child feeling. Inferiority. Enough said.
But right now is peace...and I want it to stay.
A new journal, if you please...I'm transferring to xy_zero. Follow if you like, it will be open and free and the like. I've hated this 'anticoke' username for so long I've finally sickened of it and I want to purge it; I want to be new and free.
current mood:  . peaceful .
current music: Criminal † Fiona Apple
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| Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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8:47 am - † When Leaves Have Fallen †
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